Hope

Hope is a dangerous thing! It can keep you in grad school forever.

I am stuck at something beyond which I cannot see. It needs a harder push. I can't see things beyond this obstacle. I don't know if anything exists beyond this obstacle. There is only hope, a belief, that there exists a world beyond it, to which I am holding on to it.

I believe I can see the future

How did I do it?

It's that time of the year again when I start working like an ass and do nothing else. Anything other than work is chore, including sleeping, resting, eating and socializing. I have noticed a pattern in the years of my PhD. As the winter sets in something or the other happens to trigger a series of too-much-work days. But I'm hoping this be my last year so. With my advisor leaving university and my project ending in August of next year, it will be difficult to go beyond that. But I don't want to hover close to that deadline. The biggest road block would be writing papers. I seem to take like forever to write papers.
Well, talking of PhD in last four years there is one more thing that I have noticed. This is more of a confession though. My self-confidence has crash-landed in the last four years. These are the worst set of four years for conference boosting. Year by year, I realized how I struggled and stumbled through the process. Not that I don't like to do research but it is the realization that I'm not as good as I want to be or expected to be in doing so. I don't remember a lot of times when my advisor said I was doing a good job. On the contrary, I do remember him saying I wasn't. In all honesty, I don't think I have put my best efforts. I could have done better if I was not frolicking around at times. This is the part that hurts the most. I have little less than a year to compensate. I don't want to go out with a feeling that I didn't do enough. That I didn't try hard enough.
Before all this happened, I was convinced that I can do research forever and this is one thing I can do forever. But now I think if I had so much stumbling around during the first step of research career so to speak, can I really sustain? I don't like it any less but if I'm not able to contribute anything worthwhile then what's the point?
I have learnt a lot during past years and they were golden years of learning. There is so much more I know about fluid mechanics and working of nature than I knew before. All thanks to PhD! In spite of the golden experience, grad school can be a treacherous terrain. PhD can break you. It isn't for faint hearted. I'm sure once I'm done I'll look back and wonder: Did I really do it? How did I do it?
I'm looking forward to that day.

New

This Saturday, while biking to the library to the library I helped three lost kids find their way to liquor store. I felt very helpful today. This is start of new academic year and the campus was hustling bustling with undergrad kids. I've been going to library to find peace for writing. I think it may be just change of environment which is (was) working. But for couple of days it was very productive writing session. I'm working on my second paper for Journal of Fluid Mechanics. The first one is in limbo with my advisor so actually both of them together are first and second paper. Writing is a very arduous task to me. I don't know why but I find it difficult to compose scientific sentences. But I have to do it anyway so I'm putting my head into it.

Oh and I think I forgot to break the news here that my adviser is leaving the university. Before me :P
He is moving to New York as a dean of some other University. So there is a little bit of uncertainty what will happen and how I'm going to finish but I have been assured smooth transition. Anyway, if the project I'm working on is here I don't have much to worry about. I might have to find a new committee member if not a new adviser. So I want to finish a lot of stuff as long is he is still here.
Another friend of me is moving away for a long time and there is a bit of uncertainty when, where we will meet. We have been more attached than we thought we were. That was a discovery made in last month. So it's all happening at the same time. But focus is really getting my PhD now. I need to put my head and get done with this thing. I'm looking at next summer for graduation. May, if I work hard enough and then I have summer to look forward to.

Heart wrenching story of Ahmed

Of course this is only one of the many heart-wrenching stories, probably worse than his. It has been called deepest circle of hell. It is already being compared to migration during the World War.

http://www.bbc.com/news/world-europe-34290197

Here is a clip of Ahmed playing among the rubble.
http://www.bbc.com/news/world-middle-east-34270190

Selfie from the top

I hiked 3 14ers with this guy.

Second one is not from the top but somewhere near it.

Groupie from the top

EoA

Last week into the hike I was preparing all summer. This is getting real. I am a tiny bit nervous because I don't want to pickup injury here. There are a couple of niggles still. Some stiffness in the neck from last weeks incident. Slight hamstring tightness. Hoping to iron them out in few days time.

I was dog-sitting for 2 days at a professor who is travelling. Hera was such an adorable dog. He loves human presence. He had demeanor of an elderly gentleman. He would follow me around the house like satellite. That expression on his face!

I received 5 rakhis just in time (actually 1 day late) for Rakshabandhan yesterday. My sisters love me too much :) And they keep putting stuff on facebook about me. Even some photos. So even though Im not on facebook, my traces are there. They just love me too much. To be dead honest, all this attention makes me nervous. I am trying to do justice in the amount of pride they take in having a brother in me. Do I deserve all this?

End of August.

Breathe the mountain air

In the next two weeks I am going to attempt the Mt. Whitney hike. These mountains are one of the most preserved natural parks in the U.S., devoid of all human activity. I am very excited to see such a place. Sources say that it has breathtaking views of the mountain and the sun, and all that nature has to offer in that terrain.
I have grown to like breathing the mountain air. They are so pristine. I get transported to a different epoch. The serenity and calmness that the magnanimous scale of the mountains bring is just humbling experience. I cannot describe it. You have to see it, feel it, smell it. I don't know if I will ever live in the mountains. Or if I will still like it as much if I do. But this is the feeling I have at the moment.

The hike involves walking 11 miles up to the peak of Mt. Whitney with an elevation gain of 6200 feet. The summit is 14,500 ft. And then return on the same trail. This has to be done in a single day because we don't have a permit to stay longer than that. Entry is highly regulated into the reserve. All in all a very strenuous activity for my lean figure. But I hope the view from the top will be worth it. The feeling of accomplishment combined with the sheer beauty of mountains is what I am thinking right now. There is no feeling parallel to it. I've been preparing for it throughout the summer. I've heard stories about people attempting it and coming back mid-way for various reasons. Someone told me about a guy who completed in his fourth attempt. This puts a little doubt in my mind but I have to quickly dispel it before it grows. I have realized that a good part of physical capability is mental. So I can at least get that going. :)

Currently I am nursing a pulled muscle in the neck. It shouldn't last more than a week; which gives me enough recovery time. The D-day is September 7. Wish me luck! Or at least wish clear skies.

Who are we?

"Who is but the for following function of what, and what I am is a man in a mask?"
 -- V

The fun thing about initiating conversation with strangers is that it tells you a lot of things about yourself. When meeting someone without any prior contact it is easy to be what you want to be without an pressure of what you are expected be. And if you are not going to see these people again they are not afraid to just say their opinion about how or who they found you to be. That makes me like connecting to strangers. There are billions of them!
Quite unlike my former years, with increasing numbers on my age, I have learn't to express and be more open about my feelings as long as it does no harm to anyone else. I realized that everyone is as afraid about initiating connections with people as I am. That makes all of us on the same page. So we can just skip the deadlock and start connecting.

Side note: I successfully completed 10k race on this weekend with a time of 53:02. :) I was faster than I expected. I like surprises. I like to surprise myself. Never mind the pain in lower leg that followed. Still doing the cold compresses. :\

Scenes from an Italian restaurant

Keeping up with the social norm of celebrating ones birthday, I was out with a dozen friends to eat at a nice Italian restaurant. They had interesting pictures framed all over the walls. We brought back their menu with a finny picture of Mona Lisa with the noodles. This is in our living room wall now.

I was certainly made to feel important on this day. So much that I was embarrassed at one point to receive this much attention :/. I usually like to live low. There were even gifts. Birthday apart, it was a fun evening and we all enjoyed gormandizing on Italian cuisines. It was nice to see some friends after long time. Here is a picture (with poor lighting. apparently Italians like to eat in dark) to freeze the moment.

(In case you didn't realize I borrowed the title from a Billy Joel song :D. )

I was born

So I complete integral number of revolutions around the sun. For 29th time in history. I always wondered what significance does it carry and why or whether we ought to celebrate it. And be crazy happy about it. But it feels nice to be important among your coterie of friends. So in order to commemorate this feeling of gloating self-importance I will follow the traditional ways.

I cannot imagine a whole lot what kind of day it must have been. I was born this day on a rainy morning. That's what my mommy told me. I was in a dingy hospital so it must have been a dingy smell I was smelling. Phenol or other disinfectant. (I visited this hospital countless times and my nose has the most of the recollection from that place). It was probably dimly lit. My mom was calm and relaxed, as she also told me. My family visited. I can guarantee it was a happy day in my family (or so I hope :D). So I will 'remember' that day today and hold a toast for my folks who created me and made me the man I am. I'm thankful to have the opportunities in all these years that let me learn and love so much!

I envy not

Following is a poem which will hopefully convince you to follow that whatever you desire in your heart. The love of having tried-and-failed versus having not-tried-at-all.

In Memorium Arthur Henry Hallam by Lord Alfred Tennyson
Canto XXVII

"I envy not in any moods
The captive void of noble rage,
The linnet born within the cage,
That never knew the summer woods:

I envy not the beast that takes
His license in the field of time,
Unfetter'd by the sense of crime,
To whom a conscience never wakes;

Nor, what may count itself as blest,
The heart that never plighted troth
But stagnates in the weeds of sloth;
Nor any want-begotten rest.

I hold it true, whate'er befall;
I feel it, when I sorrow most;
'Tis better to have loved and lost
Than never to have loved at all."

Thanks to great English teachers and all the poetry classes I took in high school that I can actually make sense of these classics. Mrs. Gandhi and Mrs. Chatterjee, thank you. It has taken me about six years to actually come to terms with the above wisdom. Wiser and older I am willing to let go things. "To hold, you must first open your hand. Let go." Lao Tzu.

Camping

Camping is one of the favorite summer things to do in the states of Minnesota and Wisconsin. It has kind of grown onto me. I went back to the same woods we were last year. Brought back some old memories and made some wonderful new ones. I won't see some friends in a long time so I will remember this for quite some time. On both nights I saw the sky filled with stars. The kind of starry night I haven't seen in years! There were shooting stars to spot every now and then. I spotted 3 on each night. They say that whatever you wish for with the shooting star comes true. I made a few. You are not supposed to say out what you wished else it won't work. I think mine will not come true. It is long ask and I already see it in troubled waters. :|
I think last time I saw was in my old town where I grew up as a little kid in India. When the power was out we would hang out under the sky in big group of my extended joint family. I might have been 10 or something. More memories.

I tumbled upon the page www.theminimalists.com. I have always been attracted to the idea of minimalism but never quite formally adopted it. I cannot claim to be true minimalist but I try to include it in my lifestyle.

In relation to what I posted earlier
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D4cV8yfgNyI

Cloud

Sometimes life can be a mess. I have a lot of things which are to be done. I am stuck in a cloud.

Figure Caption: How we would like to do science (left) and how it actually works (right). Here, A represents what we currently know and B represents what we would like to know. Our desire is to move from A to B in as direct a line as possible. However, we usually get stuck as we are approaching B, things don't work out, and we keep taking detours and going in circles. Uri Alon calls this state "the cloud." Eventually, we give up on reaching B and instead head for C, a new insight that we found while wandering in the cloud. Usually, C represents the solution to a problem we weren't even aware of when we started. After U. Alon [1].

[1] U. Alon (2009) How To Choose a Good Scientific Problem. Mol. Cell 35:726-728.

Personal life is not going great too. But all that will be thing of past soon I will start over. I hope. I will.

There is so much left unfound!

Here is a beautiful song I recently discovered. I have been playing it on repeat since past few days

Somewhere in this lonely world

There is a place where I belong

And I have seen its fields and streams

They've been revealed in my dreams

But you see I cannot settle down

There's just too much left unfound

And I keep drifting like a cloud

On the wind, on the wind

Relationships (un)explored

Each day in our lives we come across a lot of people. We like them or we don't but we form connections with each and every one of them. (Let me take small pit-break here and announce that instead of forcing my experiences/opinions on 'we' I will start addressing to us as I. I still believe that it is applicable to many, if not most, of us). Moving on, the feeling of likeness is based on  how much I can associate or identify myself with others. The basic instinct of humans is to like over dislike and love over hate. If you don't know someone it is easier to love them than hate them. To hate someone it is essential to know them. But to love it is not. Hence, I argue, love is more pervasive than hate. Someone long ago said to me: 'familiarity breeds contempt'. I was a bit pissed off after hearing this because this someone was someone with potential of being someone more familiar and special. Now, older and wiser, I cannot help but wonder how true this is.

Out of all those connections I wonder whether some could have been (or could be) more meaningful than others. But more often these connections are left unexplored (for good reasons, I suppose)
Sometimes it is simply plain old fear of rejection. Sometimes I just wonder if I am being 'greedy' in wanting more out of relationship and then go on to impose selflessness in my ways. Sometimes, in cases where applicable, it is the fear of falling into the abyss. Other times I happily embrace the nomad inside me and let it guide me through unattached living. Or I just get too lazy to make iota of effort. Whatever the reason, there are a many connections in the world that are being explored and many others being unexplored.

I think it would be apt to end this post with following lines from a famous ghazals. Ghazals are so beautiful, they just get me every time. This is so true in the modern ultra-fast paced society.

"Har taraf har jagah beshumaar aadmi,
fir bhi tanhaiyon ka shikar aadmi"

Food for thought

“Travel is fatal to prejudice, bigotry, and narrow-mindedness, and many of our people need it sorely on these accounts. Broad, wholesome, charitable views of men and  things cannot be acquired by vegetating in one little corner of the earth all one’s lifetime.”  – Mark Twain

"If you think adventure is dangerous, try routine. It's deadly" -- Someone

When I cannot travel (more often than not) I host travelers at my place as vicarious way of traveling. Most of them are strangers whom I meet for the first time. I know it feels strange. But you will be surprised how many times you can connect with these people and wonder how similar we are. I was hosting yesterday someone with two cute cats. Ozwin and Shalimar. Cats are SOME animal. Each of them have character very unique to them. I don't know what I like about cats but I like their company. Perhaps there sneaky-ness. Or that they are cuddly. Or because they are diminutive of the big cats. Anyway, apart form cats they are all fun people I have met.

How dogs from California are saving the world

Here is a story that will restore your faith (in case you lost it owing to the sad news all over the media) in humanity and goodness of people. This is for the people who have started believing that Kalyug is upon us and we are destined to Apocalypse.

http://www.bbc.com/news/magazine-33463191

Grand canyon

This past weekend I discovered the beauty of Grand Canyon. I thin kit is one of the most beautiful places in the world. As cliche as it may sound, it is true. It is beyond description and with vocabulary like mine it is even more difficult. So i will not try. You have to see for yourself. I left a piece of myself there. I think I will return there to get it back. :)
I was travelling in a big group of 11. Big group I know. But it worked out fine in the end. We flew to Vegas airport and drove to what is called South Rim of the canyon. After a two day camping and hiking drove to North Rim. One day stay here and then left back to Vegas to Minneapolis. And back to work

Walk like crazy

I walked ~16 miles on last Saturday morning to come back home with sore legs. I had pain in the most unusual of the places. At the back of the knee but in the lower portion just above the calf. I was expecting my shins to give up first but it didn't happen. Strangely rest of the things were just fine. Little pain in the Achilles tendon which is normal for me. My Achilles tendon is my Achilles heel. :)