Happy birthday

I completed yet another revolution around the sun. This one, actually, was not particularly kind one. I was diagnosed and came face to face with a an invisibly crippling condition. I also faced some hard truths about the bad decisions I made previously in my personal life. Some things just keep hounding you back. For a long time. Very long time. I hope not a very very long time. I took some time, despite the shortness of my attention span lately, to reflect the series of bad decision that led me here. Needless to say, it a was source of much misery.
I am also scheduled to be betrothed in the coming year that brings a lot of uncertainty. A friend recently noted that I held unhealthy amount of cynicism for a guy decided to enter the nuptials. It came to me as an unhidden revelations. One of those things you always see but never notice. I don't know if that's good, bad or ugly.

Happiness

Sometimes I think I just don't WANT to be happy. And there is nothing anyone can ever say or do change that. I hear a lot of 'you should be happy', being happy is cure of all diseases', why are you so sad' or just 'cheer up' or some variation of the above. But as easy as it sounds, it does not cheer me up. Something just doesn't feel right when I am happy. May be I can guess but I am not sure. I am tired of pretending to be happy. I feel more at ease when I am sad but not quite because I am not happy. This kind of reminds me something I seen a few years ago.