From the pages of my diary

Post Title: I am out of my head
Current Mood: Emptiness surrounds me...
Written:
28/10/07, 21:20 a.m.
I am out of my mind this moment. And the moment just before this, I discovered an unknown(till now) characteristic of me. At regular intervals I fall into fits. Fits that don't let me forget the world's most difficult-to-answer question- 'Why are we here?'. I haven't yet discovered what circumstances are the mother of such fits but they leave me miserable. I travel time way back to 'last days of my 2nd semester'; in the same state that once forced me to identify myself with clouds. Confusion, dubious, perplex, indecisive.... And yet again I develop dusk phobia.
Why am I doing things I am doing? Everything seems meaningless.

29/10/07, 02:10 a.m.
Now I feel like I am recovering to the state where meaninglessness has less effect.
You see; things are sensible when you give up reasoning and don't think too much. The moment you start asking questions, queries for answers, the havoc starts.
In good days of my life when I was a school by concerned only about studies, friends and family things seemed so simple, so sensible.
"But now since those days are gone I'm not so self assured".
As I try to find out reasons no conclusion seems satisfactory and I have suggestions from well-wishers like-- 'Don't think too much yaar'; 'God has given us this life as a gift, make it' and blah blah.
But these answers seem as opening chapter of a whole new book of questions. This recursion goes on and I'm more in mess. Instead of pondering over answers I always catch myself drowning in a pool of question, trying hard for each breath. But how long can I hold on?
But as soon as I come out of 'fits' back into 'wits' (of vice versa is more appropriate) things seem more reasonable and I feel more comfortable being with the world that I fear I doubt is meaningless.

02:45 a.m.
Oh man! Im again into fit.

02:45
Post Title: No title
This post is about how I met a person accidental. And then I regretted for my apparent selfish behaviour. It was she who came forwarded to us and to team up for a quiz competition(us = me and Anks). Then together we performed decent and managed to finish second.

03:03
I think I would not be able to script everything with exact precision if I do it in the morning when I would be out of fit. But I can't survive being conscious while in fit and such thoughts.

30/10/07, 00:10
The feeling of emptiness is what still effects my time. Past 22 hrs. of my life were influenced by it. To begin with the script; the girl asked to exchange phone numbers and asked us to come the next day for another competition. As we (me and some friends) reached there I was not fully recovered from the fits of last night and I had a half frowning face. I was not able to recognize her before she came sufficiently close to me and and waved her hands before my face. My other friend was more into conversation than me. I was least inclined towards uttering sentences as framing up sentences seemed like preparing a report but couldn't escape yes/no stuffs.Even she exclaimed why I was not talking. Then she tells she is a very good political science student. Political science is one of the topics I loved in my schooldays and I inherit this from my Mom who is half M.A. in Pol. Science. But after the event we were in hurry so we left without saying a word to her which was the thing that pinched. I had never been into habit of being ungrateful and discourteous. At that moment I was not able to judge but after leaving I didn't like it as a whole. Using when I need you and then 'I don't know you'. This is not what Saucy has been like. I called her up. But it was not able to hear properly in the crowd so we switched to messaging. I asked her to meet in SAC. But later when I tried calling her, the result was call-disconnected. Same result 3 times. Do I deserve this for my courtesy? I collected the prizes and then left a message to her to come at SAC and share the prizes. This time reply was 'meet me at control room'. Again I couldn't recognize her until she waved her hands before my face. This time she was with a guy. I am 90% sure of what she might have thought. The excuse she gave that I wanted to press green button but pressed red button seemed to fit in the condition. By what she talked and how she behaved she seemed very sensible person, great person in fact. This was confirmed by two other friends of mine who also interacted her independent of me. She was least pretentious unlike most of the girls. All these reasons and many others made me feel she was a potential good friend of mine. Had I been two years back when I posted the blog titled Acquaintance/Relationships unexplored, I would have never tried to meet her. I thought in two years I have grown up and decided to talk to her.
But is that really the case? Have I grown up any bit in two years? Have years changed me? The kind of response I got from her was enough to put me on trial to decide on aforesaid charges. Travelling through the vicious circle in time coordinate I stand at the same point where I was 2 years back when I wrote Acquaintance/Relationships unexplored. So what? At least I tried being an extovert. As many others, one more relationship unexplored, one more relationship lost.!
So what's the tip for me? To be happy with my little world and enjoy the possiblilties of these relationship within my mind of the maximum write them about the way I did just now and at some point use these characters to develop a good fictionin future! Kya baat hai!! Kuchh metha ho jay...... Metha na mile to have some chanas and sing along
...
""Hazaroon khwahishe aisi ki, ki har khwahish pe dam nikle;
Bahut nikale mere arman lekin fir bhi kam nikle.""


30/10/07, 13:48
Waking up late till 4:00 it was difficult to stay awake in the 9:00 a.m. lecture. Yesterday Prof. Malik said: "If I hav not made attendence compulsory, why do you come here and insult me by sleeping in my lecture?" Both these thoughts made me to skip the lecture. At 10:30 I was hit again when I came to know that there was a surprise quiz weighed 6.67% in the lecture.

31/10/07, 01:45
After talking to John Louis yesterday and hearing from Tyson Mao nad Ron Von Bruchem through mail, it seems that the first ever Rubik's Cube challenge in India might be possible in Techkriti 2008. Estimated no. of participants is 40. The only problem as per now seems funds. To have equipments- stackmats, display and cubes- we need sponsors. Techkriti coordinators are silent over this. They just keep telling , try for WCA eventand never discuss on this aspect. Without this my efforts and John, Karthik and Sachin's help would be wasted. We desperately need sponsors. Whether anyone will sponsor the event or not is a big question. Suppose no specific sponsor for this event comes then how far will Techkriti suppot. Still unclear. But one thing seems clear that WCA 'support' we have.

31/10/07, 18:45
I was wrong. I thought I was back at the point of life when I wrote my first post on blogger. But I'm free from charges. Just now got a call from _Name Undisclosed_ and the reason was just-like-that. That means I've grown up in past 2 years. I remember when I told Mom about this aspect of me 2 yrs. back- my difficulty in aquiring acquaintance/relationship, initiating conversation. And her reply was "now that you have realized your problem, you will easily and surely overcome it". This birthday around 70 people wished me. Last year this number was much less. Now I see the truth of Mom's statment.

01/11/07, 01:40
As some of my friends came to know _Name Undisclosed_ calling me, they were more excited than I ever thought I myself would be. A gang entered my room saying Saucy ab comitted ho gaya. Hah! That is the last thing this world will witness. As I've written earlier I don't believe in teenagerish commitment. I hold someone in good regards and want to stay in touch doesn't give rise to anything of such sort to create hype. But you know, this place is boys hostel that too in IIT. These things are inevitable.
About talking to John Louis for about half an hour things seem to be working our way. The only problem is now sponsorship. If somehow I can get sponsors then Indian Open can be realized.