Happy birthday

I completed yet another revolution around the sun. This one, actually, was not particularly kind one. I was diagnosed and came face to face with a an invisibly crippling condition. I also faced some hard truths about the bad decisions I made previously in my personal life. Some things just keep hounding you back. For a long time. Very long time. I hope not a very very long time. I took some time, despite the shortness of my attention span lately, to reflect the series of bad decision that led me here. Needless to say, it a was source of much misery.
I am also scheduled to be betrothed in the coming year that brings a lot of uncertainty. A friend recently noted that I held unhealthy amount of cynicism for a guy decided to enter the nuptials. It came to me as an unhidden revelations. One of those things you always see but never notice. I don't know if that's good, bad or ugly.

Happiness

Sometimes I think I just don't WANT to be happy. And there is nothing anyone can ever say or do change that. I hear a lot of 'you should be happy', being happy is cure of all diseases', why are you so sad' or just 'cheer up' or some variation of the above. But as easy as it sounds, it does not cheer me up. Something just doesn't feel right when I am happy. May be I can guess but I am not sure. I am tired of pretending to be happy. I feel more at ease when I am sad but not quite because I am not happy. This kind of reminds me something I seen a few years ago.

Everything hurts

I have pain in the muscles of my body I have never heard the names of. Everything I do, hurts something or the other. There are times, like these days, lifting a bottle of water feels that border-painful stretch in the biceps and triceps. Sometimes, just typing on keyboard is painful from the elbow and below. The wrist joints hurt with anything that puts pressure on them. I cannot stand 5 sec without having pain in the quads and hamstring and few seconds later in calf, Achilles, shin, sartorius. ALL the muscles in legs start to hut as I begin walking. I don't even know the names. After 10 minutes of walking, I feel so exhausted that it feels as if I have been running for hours and just took a break.The neck and shoulder are perennially stiff and painful. There are spots that are painful to touch spread all over my back from the neck to the hip. Sitting on a chair for longer than few minutes gives that uncomfortable nagging pain in the lower back. The daily activities that used to take effort, now seem like a challenge. I have to wait and be wearing dirty cloths until I feel strong enough to do the laundry for myself. (This involves walking up and down the stairs with a few loads). I have been cooking a lot less. I so much like to cook my own food but this is a challenging activity now.

Perhaps the thing that I fear most is that I am finding it harder and harder to focus on something. I don't know if there is something wrong with me or I just lost interest. I feel I have to make a lot of effort sometimes just to follow a conversation with someone let alone read a paper. I have been so unproductive at work.  Days pass by and I hate myself for the amount of work I have done. I am afraid that eventually I am going to run out of patience and good-will of my employers and not be wanted for the the level of (un)productive work I perform.

From being so full of energy just an year ago when I graduated with Ph.D. to this. I miss so much the things I used to do. Not to mention the people I loved before I moved. I cry so often. Thankfully not as often as few months ago. But there are still times when I am trying to do something simple and it starts to hurt, and start by asking why, how and then a stream of negative thoughts bring tears eventually. Sometimes I go to the men's room at work so that no one can see me. In short, life has just changed so fast within an year. I do not like my new life. But I think this is what living with fibromyalgia might feel like.

Happiness is...

सारी दुनिया उजड़ चुकी है गुजर चुका है मेला; ऊपर है बीमार सूर्य नीचे मैं मनुज अकेला। ~ रामधारी सिंह दिनकर

Refugee camp in Jordan

Refugee camp in Jordan is its 4th largest city. Except it is not a city but a camp set up in the middle of desert. How fucked up is that.
So much for Germany which has taken few hundred thousand people under refuge. But no one talked about Jordan until I saw this on bbc news. 1.5 million refugees. I have new found respect for the King of Jordan. They need support from rich nations. I hope someone in power gets to read this.

http://www.bbc.com/news/world-middle-east-35492705

How is the weather?

The power of internet and why I adore it

“Just like the invention of the printing press made the Bible readily available to the faithful, creating a personal relationship between them and god without the need for liturgy, the internet has undercut the repository of formal knowledge. Today, we are learning to solve our own problems.”

--Sridhar Vembu, founder of Zoho Corporation

Read the whole article here.

Being a women in India

So much has been said, heard and written about the topic that whatever I write from here will be repetition. I read an article from a fellow blogger on her personal experience.
I grew up seeing much of the ingrained prejudices that I never realized that they were sexist prejudices. More traveled and more read, I can see why they such harmful to your society. Of course I cannot see the side described in the post as first hand because of my born gender. But if I were to repeat there are so many things we are told growing up that girls are 'not supposed' to do or things that girls are 'supposed' to do.

Here is an interesting take on what would happen if the world of (wo)men is reversed.

Hi five to the production team! 

Hope

Hope is a dangerous thing! It can keep you in grad school forever.

I am stuck at something beyond which I cannot see. It needs a harder push. I can't see things beyond this obstacle. I don't know if anything exists beyond this obstacle. There is only hope, a belief, that there exists a world beyond it, to which I am holding on to it.

I believe I can see the future

How did I do it?

It's that time of the year again when I start working like an ass and do nothing else. Anything other than work is chore, including sleeping, resting, eating and socializing. I have noticed a pattern in the years of my PhD. As the winter sets in something or the other happens to trigger a series of too-much-work days. But I'm hoping this be my last year so. With my advisor leaving university and my project ending in August of next year, it will be difficult to go beyond that. But I don't want to hover close to that deadline. The biggest road block would be writing papers. I seem to take like forever to write papers.
Well, talking of PhD in last four years there is one more thing that I have noticed. This is more of a confession though. My self-confidence has crash-landed in the last four years. These are the worst set of four years for conference boosting. Year by year, I realized how I struggled and stumbled through the process. Not that I don't like to do research but it is the realization that I'm not as good as I want to be or expected to be in doing so. I don't remember a lot of times when my advisor said I was doing a good job. On the contrary, I do remember him saying I wasn't. In all honesty, I don't think I have put my best efforts. I could have done better if I was not frolicking around at times. This is the part that hurts the most. I have little less than a year to compensate. I don't want to go out with a feeling that I didn't do enough. That I didn't try hard enough.
Before all this happened, I was convinced that I can do research forever and this is one thing I can do forever. But now I think if I had so much stumbling around during the first step of research career so to speak, can I really sustain? I don't like it any less but if I'm not able to contribute anything worthwhile then what's the point?
I have learnt a lot during past years and they were golden years of learning. There is so much more I know about fluid mechanics and working of nature than I knew before. All thanks to PhD! In spite of the golden experience, grad school can be a treacherous terrain. PhD can break you. It isn't for faint hearted. I'm sure once I'm done I'll look back and wonder: Did I really do it? How did I do it?
I'm looking forward to that day.

New

This Saturday, while biking to the library to the library I helped three lost kids find their way to liquor store. I felt very helpful today. This is start of new academic year and the campus was hustling bustling with undergrad kids. I've been going to library to find peace for writing. I think it may be just change of environment which is (was) working. But for couple of days it was very productive writing session. I'm working on my second paper for Journal of Fluid Mechanics. The first one is in limbo with my advisor so actually both of them together are first and second paper. Writing is a very arduous task to me. I don't know why but I find it difficult to compose scientific sentences. But I have to do it anyway so I'm putting my head into it.

Oh and I think I forgot to break the news here that my adviser is leaving the university. Before me :P
He is moving to New York as a dean of some other University. So there is a little bit of uncertainty what will happen and how I'm going to finish but I have been assured smooth transition. Anyway, if the project I'm working on is here I don't have much to worry about. I might have to find a new committee member if not a new adviser. So I want to finish a lot of stuff as long is he is still here.
Another friend of me is moving away for a long time and there is a bit of uncertainty when, where we will meet. We have been more attached than we thought we were. That was a discovery made in last month. So it's all happening at the same time. But focus is really getting my PhD now. I need to put my head and get done with this thing. I'm looking at next summer for graduation. May, if I work hard enough and then I have summer to look forward to.

Heart wrenching story of Ahmed

Of course this is only one of the many heart-wrenching stories, probably worse than his. It has been called deepest circle of hell. It is already being compared to migration during the World War.

http://www.bbc.com/news/world-europe-34290197

Here is a clip of Ahmed playing among the rubble.
http://www.bbc.com/news/world-middle-east-34270190

Selfie from the top

I hiked 3 14ers with this guy.

Second one is not from the top but somewhere near it.

Groupie from the top

EoA

Last week into the hike I was preparing all summer. This is getting real. I am a tiny bit nervous because I don't want to pickup injury here. There are a couple of niggles still. Some stiffness in the neck from last weeks incident. Slight hamstring tightness. Hoping to iron them out in few days time.

I was dog-sitting for 2 days at a professor who is travelling. Hera was such an adorable dog. He loves human presence. He had demeanor of an elderly gentleman. He would follow me around the house like satellite. That expression on his face!

I received 5 rakhis just in time (actually 1 day late) for Rakshabandhan yesterday. My sisters love me too much :) And they keep putting stuff on facebook about me. Even some photos. So even though Im not on facebook, my traces are there. They just love me too much. To be dead honest, all this attention makes me nervous. I am trying to do justice in the amount of pride they take in having a brother in me. Do I deserve all this?

End of August.

Breathe the mountain air

In the next two weeks I am going to attempt the Mt. Whitney hike. These mountains are one of the most preserved natural parks in the U.S., devoid of all human activity. I am very excited to see such a place. Sources say that it has breathtaking views of the mountain and the sun, and all that nature has to offer in that terrain.
I have grown to like breathing the mountain air. They are so pristine. I get transported to a different epoch. The serenity and calmness that the magnanimous scale of the mountains bring is just humbling experience. I cannot describe it. You have to see it, feel it, smell it. I don't know if I will ever live in the mountains. Or if I will still like it as much if I do. But this is the feeling I have at the moment.

The hike involves walking 11 miles up to the peak of Mt. Whitney with an elevation gain of 6200 feet. The summit is 14,500 ft. And then return on the same trail. This has to be done in a single day because we don't have a permit to stay longer than that. Entry is highly regulated into the reserve. All in all a very strenuous activity for my lean figure. But I hope the view from the top will be worth it. The feeling of accomplishment combined with the sheer beauty of mountains is what I am thinking right now. There is no feeling parallel to it. I've been preparing for it throughout the summer. I've heard stories about people attempting it and coming back mid-way for various reasons. Someone told me about a guy who completed in his fourth attempt. This puts a little doubt in my mind but I have to quickly dispel it before it grows. I have realized that a good part of physical capability is mental. So I can at least get that going. :)

Currently I am nursing a pulled muscle in the neck. It shouldn't last more than a week; which gives me enough recovery time. The D-day is September 7. Wish me luck! Or at least wish clear skies.

Who are we?

"Who is but the for following function of what, and what I am is a man in a mask?"
 -- V

The fun thing about initiating conversation with strangers is that it tells you a lot of things about yourself. When meeting someone without any prior contact it is easy to be what you want to be without an pressure of what you are expected be. And if you are not going to see these people again they are not afraid to just say their opinion about how or who they found you to be. That makes me like connecting to strangers. There are billions of them!
Quite unlike my former years, with increasing numbers on my age, I have learn't to express and be more open about my feelings as long as it does no harm to anyone else. I realized that everyone is as afraid about initiating connections with people as I am. That makes all of us on the same page. So we can just skip the deadlock and start connecting.

Side note: I successfully completed 10k race on this weekend with a time of 53:02. :) I was faster than I expected. I like surprises. I like to surprise myself. Never mind the pain in lower leg that followed. Still doing the cold compresses. :\

Scenes from an Italian restaurant

Keeping up with the social norm of celebrating ones birthday, I was out with a dozen friends to eat at a nice Italian restaurant. They had interesting pictures framed all over the walls. We brought back their menu with a finny picture of Mona Lisa with the noodles. This is in our living room wall now.

I was certainly made to feel important on this day. So much that I was embarrassed at one point to receive this much attention :/. I usually like to live low. There were even gifts. Birthday apart, it was a fun evening and we all enjoyed gormandizing on Italian cuisines. It was nice to see some friends after long time. Here is a picture (with poor lighting. apparently Italians like to eat in dark) to freeze the moment.

(In case you didn't realize I borrowed the title from a Billy Joel song :D. )

I was born

So I complete integral number of revolutions around the sun. For 29th time in history. I always wondered what significance does it carry and why or whether we ought to celebrate it. And be crazy happy about it. But it feels nice to be important among your coterie of friends. So in order to commemorate this feeling of gloating self-importance I will follow the traditional ways.

I cannot imagine a whole lot what kind of day it must have been. I was born this day on a rainy morning. That's what my mommy told me. I was in a dingy hospital so it must have been a dingy smell I was smelling. Phenol or other disinfectant. (I visited this hospital countless times and my nose has the most of the recollection from that place). It was probably dimly lit. My mom was calm and relaxed, as she also told me. My family visited. I can guarantee it was a happy day in my family (or so I hope :D). So I will 'remember' that day today and hold a toast for my folks who created me and made me the man I am. I'm thankful to have the opportunities in all these years that let me learn and love so much!