I have pain in the muscles of my body I have never heard the names of. Everything I do, hurts something or the other. There are times, like these days, lifting a bottle of water feels that border-painful stretch in the biceps and triceps. Sometimes, just typing on keyboard is painful from the elbow and below. The wrist joints hurt with anything that puts pressure on them. I cannot stand 5 sec without having pain in the quads and hamstring and few seconds later in calf, Achilles, shin, sartorius. ALL the muscles in legs start to hut as I begin walking. I don't even know the names. After 10 minutes of walking, I feel so exhausted that it feels as if I have been running for hours and just took a break.The neck and shoulder are perennially stiff and painful. There are spots that are painful to touch spread all over my back from the neck to the hip. Sitting on a chair for longer than few minutes gives that uncomfortable nagging pain in the lower back. The daily activities that used to take effort, now seem like a challenge. I have to wait and be wearing dirty cloths until I feel strong enough to do the laundry for myself. (This involves walking up and down the stairs with a few loads). I have been cooking a lot less. I so much like to cook my own food but this is a challenging activity now.
Perhaps the thing that I fear most is that I am finding it harder and harder to focus on something. I don't know if there is something wrong with me or I just lost interest. I feel I have to make a lot of effort sometimes just to follow a conversation with someone let alone read a paper. I have been so unproductive at work. Days pass by and I hate myself for the amount of work I have done. I am afraid that eventually I am going to run out of patience and good-will of my employers and not be wanted for the the level of (un)productive work I perform.
From being so full of energy just an year ago when I graduated with Ph.D. to this. I miss so much the things I used to do. Not to mention the people I loved before I moved. I cry so often. Thankfully not as often as few months ago. But there are still times when I am trying to do something simple and it starts to hurt, and start by asking why, how and then a stream of negative thoughts bring tears eventually. Sometimes I go to the men's room at work so that no one can see me. In short, life has just changed so fast within an year. I do not like my new life. But I think this is what living with fibromyalgia might feel like.
Perhaps the thing that I fear most is that I am finding it harder and harder to focus on something. I don't know if there is something wrong with me or I just lost interest. I feel I have to make a lot of effort sometimes just to follow a conversation with someone let alone read a paper. I have been so unproductive at work. Days pass by and I hate myself for the amount of work I have done. I am afraid that eventually I am going to run out of patience and good-will of my employers and not be wanted for the the level of (un)productive work I perform.
From being so full of energy just an year ago when I graduated with Ph.D. to this. I miss so much the things I used to do. Not to mention the people I loved before I moved. I cry so often. Thankfully not as often as few months ago. But there are still times when I am trying to do something simple and it starts to hurt, and start by asking why, how and then a stream of negative thoughts bring tears eventually. Sometimes I go to the men's room at work so that no one can see me. In short, life has just changed so fast within an year. I do not like my new life. But I think this is what living with fibromyalgia might feel like.
