It's that time of the year again when I start working like an ass and do nothing else. Anything other than work is chore, including sleeping, resting, eating and socializing. I have noticed a pattern in the years of my PhD. As the winter sets in something or the other happens to trigger a series of too-much-work days. But I'm hoping this be my last year so. With my advisor leaving university and my project ending in August of next year, it will be difficult to go beyond that. But I don't want to hover close to that deadline. The biggest road block would be writing papers. I seem to take like forever to write papers.
Well, talking of PhD in last four years there is one more thing that I have noticed. This is more of a confession though. My self-confidence has crash-landed in the last four years. These are the worst set of four years for conference boosting. Year by year, I realized how I struggled and stumbled through the process. Not that I don't like to do research but it is the realization that I'm not as good as I want to be or expected to be in doing so. I don't remember a lot of times when my advisor said I was doing a good job. On the contrary, I do remember him saying I wasn't. In all honesty, I don't think I have put my best efforts. I could have done better if I was not frolicking around at times. This is the part that hurts the most. I have little less than a year to compensate. I don't want to go out with a feeling that I didn't do enough. That I didn't try hard enough.
Before all this happened, I was convinced that I can do research forever and this is one thing I can do forever. But now I think if I had so much stumbling around during the first step of research career so to speak, can I really sustain? I don't like it any less but if I'm not able to contribute anything worthwhile then what's the point?
I have learnt a lot during past years and they were golden years of learning. There is so much more I know about fluid mechanics and working of nature than I knew before. All thanks to PhD! In spite of the golden experience, grad school can be a treacherous terrain. PhD can break you. It isn't for faint hearted. I'm sure once I'm done I'll look back and wonder: Did I really do it? How did I do it?
I'm looking forward to that day.
